Okay so my first love was a nice average size girl at the age of 10. I meet Shay-Lynn when I moved to North Dakota. I went to school with her for about 3 months. I was her only friend for some reason. Nobody talked to her. I talked to her more and more, we started to hang out with each other after school. That’s when I got to know her and her life. Nobody talked to her, simply because she wasn’t the cutest girl in the school. I didn’t mind though, I liked her for her personalty and how much she knows me. She lived in the country, It was fun when I get to see her every once in a while after school. I would walk to her house everyday to do homework and hang out. We would ride horses and feed her pets. I didn’t care if people hated her, I knew day after day I started to gain more feelings for her. I spent all night trying to talk to her, but then my mom would walk in and yell at me. One day she decided she wanted me to meet her parents, so I took them to this really nice restaurant. They had a Piano playing in the back and the people there really dressed up. I wanted to make a good first impression because I knew I would be seeing them often, instead of being snucked inside. After that I knew I had impressed her parents, because when I shocked their hand they had a big smile, in the car ride when they brung me home they said “Come over anytime you like, I’ll give you a ride home later.” After that I started to go to her house everyday. An hour and a half hours walking there and back (when her parents weren’t home.) after the fifth months of me and her talking I decided to ask her out. I walk into her class room with Roses and chocolate, with a big sign saying “Will You Go Out With Me?” She had tears in her face, I knew it was the good one though because she had a smile and her checks were red. She said yes, I was so glad I could finally call her mine. After that day I walked her home, we held hands the whole way. It was a nice walk in the rain. She waited to tell her parents that we were going out. The first month was AMAZING, we had out little arguments but what couple didn’t? On our first month I took her out to the carnival, she wanted me to go on all the kitty rides, so I did to make her smile. She pretended to be scared, that was one the best moments we had during our relationship. A week after we got in a big argument and she ignored me for a week. So the thing I thought I could do to make it better was to walk to her house in 4 inch snow. When she saw me she was speechless, I apologized to her and gave her a charm bracket. That had our date on it. 12-14-09. she forgave me and then we went around her family’s farm. After her dad saw us walking and said “You guys are the cutest couple” we had no clue how he found out, but his reaction was really good. 2 months has passed and we got closer, I didn’t know if it was love or just really strong feelings. I took her out to eat at Red Lobster. She just fell in love with the food, that she forgot about what time she had to be home. I had to rush her home before her dad would be mad. We got there before 10 and he was waiting at the door, he didn’t look mad considering we were 5 minutes early. 2 weeks after our second month we had an a fight about what happened with some guy. He pushed her and smack her, me being her boyfirend, I fought him. Even though I won she was mad that I got hurt. I had to make it up to her. I told her “I didn’t get hurt” she look at me and made sure I had no scratches or bruises, none. She was okay with that one fight. On our 3 month we didn’t do anything special but watch a movie with her parents. A week before our 4 moths broke up with me for getting into another fight. I fought him because he was talking about my family. She didn’t get mad that I fought. She got mad that I was suspended for 5 days. I still try making it up to her. That night I walked to her house and when she came out I just hug her. I told her how much she meant to me. She said she’ll take me back if I tried to stop getting suspended. I told her I’ll try. Everyday during my suspension I walked to her house, walked her to school, and home.Then out forth month came. I took her for a walk in the after noon, then at night I slept over her house and we cuddle the whole time. Everyone keep talking about how we shouldn’t be together, we both ignored it though. So our fifth month came. I took her out to the movies with her friends because she keep begging me to take her. After the movie we walked around and I bought her a new dress for the dance. The dance came, we got into a fight because she went with another guy, and I walked to her house and sat there for 2 hours. That night I let me jealousy get to me and I broke up with her. School the next I knew I needed to get her back. So I covered her locker with cute letters and apology note. I made her go around the school looking for me. In the end I was waiting in the cafe with a sign that said ” I need you, please take me back?” She said yes. I was in tears knowing I can’t let it happen again. For the next 2 months everything was perfect. I love every moment I spent with her. I slept over her house on Monday,Wensday,Friday. When our 8th month our parents meet at Long Horn. It was the best time we had family to family. Our one year came and you kissed me for the first time, I was your first kiss. That day was amazing. 3 months past, we argue and made up every time. We did the same celebrating the months movie after movie. I worked hard to bring you to all these places. It was worth seeing your smile though. Cutest thing in the world. When our 1 year and 4 months came, things went down. We stop talking as much. I put in less effort. I didn’t get to see you. I stop working. We stop celebrating our months. After 4 months of that, we had a deep talk. We talked everything out. everything was sloved. One our 1 year 9 months I sleep over your house for the whole month, from time to time I seen my family, but I put you on top for a while. So 2 months past since then our 2 years came. I kissed you under fireworks (that our parents lit) During the 2 year we only kissed 2 times, I knew we had TRUE love. Knowing it wasn’t only about sex and kissing. So 2 years and 1 month came by and it was the worst day of our relationship. You found out by the doctors you had lung cancer. I didn’t let that ruin anything though. I made sure we didn’t fight. We didn’t argue. I made everything worth your time. 4 months when by, worst day for us. My mom found a new job in a Massachusetts. We had 2 weeks left. I spent it with you like no other time, we made those 2 weeks feel like the 2 years we been together. Then I had to go on my plane, I remember balling my eyes out, and talking to you on the phone in between 3 flights. I keep in contact with you. I found out you moved on. So fast, and today I found out you passed away…. I bailed my eyes out all day. I LOVE YOU SHAY-LYNN. R.I.P
If so how come I’ve been feeling this same pain for so long. How come it hasn’t gone away. How come every damn day I feel this same pain. How come I just get pushed to the point of killing myself but always being stopped. Why?
Is it because I don’t wanna give up on you, but how is that possible if I wanna give up on myself. Suicidal thoughts. Scared arms. Overdose on pills. All this going on, still fighting for you. Sometimes I wonder. If I should even try. Try for you, or myself.
Worthless. Why do I think myself so negative? It’s because in this day and age it’s hard to see anything positive. While yes I’m still growing, I can point out every single flaw in my body. Yet I can’t see one good thing about me. Day by day being bullied and judge, just makes me want to give up sometimes.